Diane remembers her first Thanksgiving with her new in-laws. “Lisa called just as we were sitting down to dinner. It seems that she was very upset about not being with Glenn’s folks at Thanksgiving; she even started crying on the phone. Rita spent over an hour comforting her. It was an awful situation. I was completely left out as Rita focused on her real favorite, her former daughter-in-law.” The subject is second marriages (specifically coming on after a boffo first act), but the issue is boundaries. Rita should not have talked to her former daughter-in-law while her current daughter-in-law was there. But because she did, Diane should have cleared the air by speaking to Rita later about her feelings. Here’s a model opening that Diane (and you) can use: “I understand that Glenn’s divorce from Lisa has been hard to accept, and that you still feel close to Lisa. However, perhaps you didn’t realize that it hurts me to have you talk to her while I’m here.” Here are some additional guidelines to help you build a good relationship with your in-laws when you’re not their child’s first spouse.
Don’t force yourself on your mother- or father-in-law. But don’t be a cold fish either! Recognize that your in-law’s special bond with your spouse’s ex isn’t a statement about you. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and your relationship won’t be, either. Give your relationship time to develop. If your in-laws compare you to the ex, try to accept that the ex must have had some good qualities – at least one, maybe two. Highlight your individuality. Develop your own connection with your in-laws.
