If your teenage daughter is a bit self-absorbed, you’re not alone. Rest assured that her insistence that she’s the center of the universe doesn’t necessarily reflect upon your parenting practice. Instead, the idea that the world—and everyone in it—revolves around her is often just a phase. Over time, you’ll likely see signs that your teen is able to look outside herself and consider other people’s feelings more often.
Narcissism in Normal Development
The term “narcissist” is usually used to describe someone who is vain, as opposed to someone who has a narcissistic personality disorder—which is a diagnosable mental health condition. People with narcissistic personality disorder have difficulty functioning. They struggle to maintain healthy relationships and their education and employment are affected. It’s estimated that about 6% of the adult population may have a narcissistic personality disorder. But it’s rarely diagnosed before the age of 18. It’s unlikely that self-centered behavior from your teen is a sign of a bigger problem. Egocentric thinking and self-centeredness usually start to taper off by about age 15 or 16. While you are waiting out this stage, there are steps you can take to help deal with a narcissistic teen. These strategies can help you cope while also helping your daughter realize that the earth doesn’t revolve around her. To do this, look for opportunities to interpret how other people might feel. Ask questions like, “How do you think your teacher felt when the student yelled at her?” or, “How do you think your friend felt when you canceled your plans at the last minute?” Similarly, when you’re watching the news, ask questions like, “How do you think it feels to be that family?” Regular conversations about other people’s feelings will remind your teen to be concerned for other people. Volunteering can help your teen recognize that she has resources to help alleviate other people’s suffering. She might volunteer to visit residents at a nursing home or tutor younger children who struggle in school. Get her involved in choosing community service work, and make it a family priority to help others. Your attitude towards others will trickle down to your teen. So demonstrate the importance of being kind, generous, and compassionate. Gently ask questions like, “Is that the only possible reason your friend didn’t call back?” Help your teen see that while her conclusion is definitely a possibility, there are also dozens of other alternative explanations. Consider disciplining her by taking away experiences, such as going to a friend’s house over the weekend. Or assign extra chores, like doing more yard work, for misbehavior. Set limits on how much you give to your child. Remind her that life isn’t all about elevating her status. Instead, she has time and talent she could give to others. Plus, most teens spend a fair amount of time on social media. Whether your teen is obsessed with taking the perfect selfie or she’s bragging about your latest family vacation, social media may serve as an outlet for her narcissism. That’s why it’s important to set healthy limits on screen time. Encourage her to participate in a wide variety of activities to help her become well-rounded. Instead, praise her efforts so you can build character, rather than inflate her ego. Say things like, “I can tell you studied really hard,” or “You really hustled on the field today.” Then she’ll know you value her effort more than her achievement. Help her build a healthy foundation for self-worth, so she knows she can still feel good about herself even when she fails or gets rejected. Whether she takes violin lessons or joins a service club, healthy activities can help her feel good about herself. When she genuinely feels good about herself, she’ll feel less compelled to brag to others about her accomplishments. Assign duties, like emptying the dishwasher, cooking family meals, and vacuuming common areas of the home. Tell her she can gain access to her privileges as soon as her chores are complete. Teach your teen healthy ways to deal with insecurities and uncomfortable feelings. Journaling when she’s sad or talking to a friend when she’s embarrassed, for example. could help her address her emotions in a healthier way. Talk about emotions often. Share your experiences with failure or rejection and the temptation you may have felt to blame other people or put others down. Explain the healthier ways you found to deal with your situations. So choose your battles wisely. When her words or her behavior are hurtful to you or other people, address them. But don’t feel as though you need to call her out for every self-centered comment she makes. Instead, let her experience logical or natural consequences for her behavior. If she breaks something, make her buy a new one. If she misses the bus on purpose, charge her for your time to drive her to school. Help her problem-solve, but encourage her to take steps to address the situation on her own.
