Yet for many people, the reality of what happens when we finally have that baby in our arms is a little different. Exhausted from labor, our hormones raging all over the place, and confronted with the baby who may not be easily consoled, it’s easy to feel like the reality of motherhood is just not what we imagined it to be. And this reaction can be enough to make us feel disappointed, discouraged, or wracked with guilt.
Not Bonding Right Away Is Normal
When love at first sight doesn’t happen right away, many mothers understandably feel uneasy. They are concerned that they have failed somehow at motherhood because they assume that bonding was supposed to happen immediately—as if that were the most natural and expected way to enter motherhood. But if you have not connected with your newborn soon after birth, you are far from alone. In fact, you are actually quite normal! According to a survey from the National Childbirth Trust (NCT), up to one-third of all mothers report that they had trouble bonding with their baby initially. What’s more, 1 in 10 mothers felt embarrassed to bring up these difficulties with their healthcare providers. As the Academy of American Pediatrics (AAP) assures, bonding is not something that’s expected to happen right away—and there is no time limit on it, either.
What Factors Make Bonding More Difficult?
It’s not just the demands of labor and the physical changes that your body has to adapt to after birth that makes falling in love right away difficult for many moms. There are many factors that may delay or hamper your ability to feel relaxed and bonded with your baby. These include:
A difficult or traumatic childbirth Negative or depressed feelings during pregnancy A baby who spends time in the NICU Facing a postpartum medical scare for yourself or your baby Lack of postpartum care and help A history of mental illness before pregnancy Being a first-time mom History of pregnancy loss Postpartum mood disorder Significant life stresses such as job loss, financial stresses Marriage problems Lack of a social network or support system Baby feeding difficulties
A great first step is to recognize that, and then give yourself a whole lot of grace here. Remember that bonding can take time—give yourself that time, and have faith that the connection between you and your baby will happen with a little patience.
What Are Some of the Emotions You May Feel?
If you are a mom who hasn’t fallen in love with your baby right away, you are probably feeling very emotional about that fact. That’s common too—when bonding between you and your baby isn’t immediate, and when you feel pressure to make it so (either from within or from others), it makes sense that you would have an intense emotional reaction. Here’s what you may be thinking and feeling:
Confusion
You might think to yourself, “But everyone I know bonded with their baby right away. What’s wrong with me? Why isn’t this happening? Am I defective in some way?” If your reality looks a little different than you expected it to, that’s okay.
Guilt
This is a big one, for sure. When you are certain that motherhood equals love at first sight, and then that is not what happens for you, you may feel very guilty. You may feel like you are not doing something right, like you failed the test—like you are a bad person or a bad mother. But you can go ahead and kick that guilt right to the curb. It’s just not true. You are doing the best you can. Cut yourself some slack.
Regret
Regret in motherhood is not something most of us talk about much because it can feel really heavy and there is a lot of shame attached to the idea of regretting motherhood. Yes, sometimes even those of us who went into motherhood with the best intentions—and who wanted nothing more than to be the best mother to our baby—experience regret. We may have moments where we actually regret becoming a mom and wish we could take it back. These are common thoughts, especially if they are fleeting.
You Can Love Your Child, But Not Love Motherhood
Here’s maybe the most important lesson of motherhood—one that can sometimes take years to understand: You can love your baby to bits, but not love motherhood itself. Pretty mind-blowing, huh? What that means is that you can have moments where you look at your baby—their perfect, tiny toes, their beautiful searching eyes—and think: “This is the most gorgeous little person I have ever met and I love them so much.” And then, just a short time later—when you have to change their diaper again, or feed them again, or when it’s 4 a.m. and they won’t stop crying again, you think: “This is horrible. I hate this. I can’t take this any longer. I hate being a mom.” You are allowed to feel this way—because motherhood is hard. But it doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby, or that you aren’t a good mom.
Tips for Bonding With Your Baby
Besides giving yourself the gift of time and recovery after childbirth to bond and get to know your little one, there are some practical things you can do to try to promote bonding between yourself and your baby:
Practice skin-to-skin with your baby. You can do this regardless of feeding method. Skin-to-skin contact can be soothing for both of you and releases hormones that promote bonding. Talk it out with a friend or loved one. Just being able to honestly say how you are feeling about your baby—the good, the bad, and the ugly—will help you feel more at peace with your feelings and relax into your relationship with your baby. Take a day off. There are no real “days off” when it comes to caring for a newborn. But sometimes the hustle and bustle of entertaining visitors, trying to keep your house in order, and all the other work of life and adjusting to motherhood, can keep you very busy. Take a day just to rest in bed with your baby. Sometimes that is all it takes to fall in love. Get out of the house. Sometimes feeling isolated in your house with your baby can make you feel anxious, depressed, and resentful. Getting outside for a simple walk can change both of your moods, help you relax, and make you more likely to bond with your baby.
A Word from Verywell
While it is absolutely true that bonding with your baby is a process and that it can take many weeks or even months for mothers to experience this fully with their baby, if you are finding that your feelings of disconnection are mixed with feelings of anxiety or depression, it might be a good idea to speak to your doctor or a mental health professional. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, thoughts of self-harm, or thoughts of harming your baby, this is a medical emergency, and you should call 911 immediately, or go to the emergency room for care.
