In any family, but especially in a stepfamily, kids need to understand specifically what is expected of them (the rules), and they need to understand their boundaries (the limits).
The Family’s Rules Discussion
Here’s a tool for setting your family’s specific rules of behavior. Any disciplinary approach and action works best when it comes from joint decisions made by you and your partner. If you’re not consistent, the kids are going to play you off, one against the other. They also need the security of seeing the two of you as a solid unit. The couple, as the keystone of the stepfamily, should provide a unified front, even if you are still struggling with each other about some family matters. When two families combine, providing consistency and a unified front become even more challenging. There’s more on this later. Sit down together with your partner (yes, just the two of you for this discussion) and go over the list. You may need to talk about it in several sessions. As you work on developing your family rules, write down what you come up with. You may want to use the table here to get you started. Discuss the questions on the left, and jot down your answers and thoughts on a separate piece of paper or right in the book.
Family Limits
Before you decide on a limit, make sure it passes the “limit test.” Review your family values and rules, and make sure that the limit fits within your value system and agreed-upon family rules. Make the limit explicit: The child should be informed exactly what the limit is.
