This offers an opportunity to teach sportsmanship early and often, says Fish. And understanding how to be a good sport is one of the biggest life lessons kids can learn from sports. For kids—especially younger ones, ages 8 and under—the goals of youth sports should be physical activity and social interaction. “If we can remember this reality check on what sports is all about, we’ve laid the groundwork” for good sportsmanship, says Dr. Gotlin. Gotlin, who runs a youth basketball league, insists that players shake hands both before and after games. He also recommends that kids, coaches, and parents start the game with a group meeting to go over rules and remind everyone to just play and have a good time. If you won’t be keeping score, let the kids know—and explain why, says Dr. Fish. At this age, low-pressure team sports are the best. Being on the spot on the pitcher’s mound or foul line is too much scrutiny for a young child, says Gotlin. Plus, in a sport like baseball, kids often spend too much time waiting around—and standing still. When they play soccer, they have to keep moving. All team members should have plenty of opportunities to play and receive positive feedback for their efforts. To impart these values, coaches (and parents) can use a combination of education (teaching kids in a language they understand), positive peer pressure, and consequences or policies (such as a system of warnings for broken rules followed by suspension from the practice or game). Even with a firm foundation, following through is not always easy in the heat of the moment. As kids approach puberty, tempers begin to flare on the field and the sidelines, so both parents and players need to know how to predict and prevent blow-ups. In his book, Fish outlines a three-step plan: If a player makes a mistake, they often lose focus. “Success breeds confidence and vice versa,” says Gotlin. So positive reinforcement is still necessary now, as is a strong emphasis on discipline and values. Adults need to take the lead. Parents also need to watch their mindset, says Gotlin. “Parents want to see their kid stealing a base or getting an extra hit. It’s the adult world poisoning the kids’ minds. We need to fix ourselves first and then instill values in our kids.” The message you want to impart: “I am here to see you compete and work on your skills.” Emphasize what you can and can’t control. Sportsmanship is a choice. “There are all kinds of forces out there that parents and coaches can’t control,” says Dr. Fish. “I can’t control what ESPN says or what the other team is doing. But I can teach my kid the importance of playing by the rules, shaking the hands of the opponent, helping him up if he falls—teaching him that even if his opponent doesn’t do that, he can still do it because it’s the right thing to do.”
How does the league teach sportsmanship? What are its policies about keeping score, trash-talking (by players or parents), encounters with opponents, and discipline?How is playing time determined—by talent, seniority, effort in practice? Or is it divided equally among all players?What are the coach’s goals for the team? Is he gung-ho about winning, or is the aim to introduce the sport? What about encouraging physical activity or social interaction?
There aren’t necessarily right or wrong answers here; a lot depends on your child’s age and temperament. But if you’re unsatisfied with the answers, try to find another option—or at least be aware of what you’re getting into and teach values to your child on your own. If you’re unhappy with a coach’s performance midway through a season, avoid confronting him or her at a practice or game. Instead, schedule a meeting at a neutral site and time. If possible, include other parents, and of course, be respectful of the coach. While most kids will have a combination of these, usually one dominates. If you can identify which one your child is, you will know what you most need to work on when teaching sportsmanship:
Emotional: Focus on teaching them how to calm down and lighten up. Help them notice how their body reacts when they’re upset (clenched muscles, shallow breathing). Brainstorm ways to respond (counting to 10, deep breaths, a brisk walk). Conscientious: Help them differentiate between striving for perfection and perfectionism. Talk about setting positive goals for how to improve, instead of allowing too much focus on the negative. Aggressive: Make consequences clear. Show them where the line is, and what the response will be if they cross it. Make sure to follow-up if they do break a rule. Social: Use peer pressure to your advantage. Stress the value of cooperating with teammates, and remind them that the team can help them stay positive if they’re feeling down or frustrated.
