Harry and Sue spent a lot of their time together bickering and never seemed able to resolve anything. Harry would track mud into the house, and Sue would become angry. She would ask him to take off his shoes and leave them on the porch, and he would say, “Don’t bother me now, I’m busy.” Sue would attempt to bring up the topic, but Harry never wanted to talk about it. She was becoming more and more frustrated. Eventually, she would yell at him for that and other things. She felt like he never listened, but she didn’t know any other way to get her point across. On the other hand, Sue would leave magazines all over the house. Harry could not always find the one he wanted to read. He wanted Sue to keep all the magazines in one place, so he would know where they were. Every time he brought it up with Sue, she was busy and didn’t want to talk about it. Harry and Sue both had a habit that annoyed the other person. It wouldn’t take much effort for Harry to take off his shoes when they were muddy and for Sue to keep their magazines in the family room. They could resolve these issues if they would take the time to discuss them. However, because they waited until the heat of the moment, the intensity of their emotions prevented a productive discussion. What would otherwise have been a minor problem built up and became a constant source of frustration for both of them.
Have a Clear Goal in Mind
Before you talk with your partner, think about how the problem might be resolved. In the above example with Harry and Sue, the goal is straightforward. But, something might be bothering you and it’s not clear what would help. If this is the case, stop! Think it through. Take the time to develop some specific ideas on how to make things right. It will be easier for your spouse to change if he or she knows exactly what would help you. A good discussion has a clear end point; if you don’t know what that is, why would your partner? The following steps will provide clarity and help you focus on what you want your partner to do:
