In the meantime, there are tissues to dispense, realities to face, and some comfort to be had. And if you’ve got younger children who will be applying in the years to come, there are some lessons to be learned too.
How to Help Your Child Cope
Here are several pieces of advice to keep in mind if and when your teen doesn’t get the news they were hoping for from their top-choice college.
Remember, It’s Not About You
First, understand that your child’s reaction may not be the same as yours. You may be crushed that they didn’t get into your alma mater or dream school, while they may be secretly relieved. Their priorities may have shifted considerably from when they first applied. Or they may have felt pushed into applying.
Shift Your Attitude
You both knew there would be some rejections mixed in with the acceptances. Whew. Now that that’s out of the way, you can move on. It is, after all, the college’s loss, because your child is awesome.
Consider Hindsight
It’s important that parents not allow their dreams to drive their children’s decisions about where to apply, especially when the parent’s “dream school” or alma mater is out of the child’s reach. Heck, you might not be able to get into your alma mater now either. Also, during the college apps process, it’s best to discourage your child (and yourself) from designating anything as their top choice. Wait until all the acceptances are in, then prioritize.
Adjust Your Perspective
If the rejection came from their dream school, counsel patience. They still have many options, including going to a community college and doing well enough there to transfer, taking a gap year and re-applying, going to a different 4-year school and applying to transfer, or best of all, going to that different 4-year school and discovering it’s absolutely wonderful. Meanwhile, they don’t need to make any decision until May 1.
Look Forward
Wait until the acceptances roll in, go and visit those schools, and make a decision then. And bear in mind that some wonderful universities still have availability for new applicants even in May and June. Remember, there’s no one perfect school. There are many. And there’s still plenty of time to explore options. Meanwhile, pass the tissues. Is your child worried about humiliation? There’s a lot of peer pressure on high school campuses, especially those with strong college-bound tracks. But the truth is, many of your child’s classmates are getting rejected too—many from the same school(s) that denied your child a spot. So your child will actually find comfort—or at least shared misery—among their classmates. Big U rejected thousands of fantastic kids, including your child and some of their classmates. It’s not a reflection of them; it’s a reflection of the times. Note that many kids keep their college plans under wraps until the end. They may refer vaguely to applying to “some state schools” and “a few privates,” or say they’re “planning to stay on the West Coast,” but they don’t name names. It’s not a bad idea.
Coping With Multiple Rejections
If this isn’t the first rejection, it’s the 12th, then something went very wrong when your child was choosing colleges to apply to—and that something may have less to do with your child’s abilities and more to do with your family’s grasp of what was possible. So, it’s not really 12 rejections. It’s one, repeated a painful number of times. Fortunately, there are still options. There are many wonderful schools out there, and there’s still plenty of time. When applying to college, it’s critical that kids compare their stats—GPA and test scores—against the university’s freshman class and make sure it’s a good fit. Applying to 12 reach schools does not increase the odds. It just increases the number of rejections. What to say if your child was rejected from everything but their safeties? Stop calling them safety schools. An acceptance is an acceptance and that’s wonderful news. Now go visit and enthuse over every wonderful thing you can. Look, trees! Ooo, pretty view! Buy a sweatshirt. Be excited. In the same way you shouldn’t designate a top choice, don’t call any school a “safety.” They’re “excellent schools and excellent fits.” And your child shouldn’t be applying to any school they wouldn’t want to attend, anyway.
Help Your Child Move On
Your child may take the rejection personally and feels unwanted. It’s natural for a teen to take their rejection personally. Truth is, competitive colleges end up rejecting thousands of spectacular kids. Reassure, reassure, reassure, then move on. If your child was applying to private universities, sometimes the deciding factor between equally well-suited applicants is that one simply sent in the paperwork, while the other also visited the college and stayed in close contact, something admissions officers call “demonstrated interest.” Colleges like to admit the students who are most likely to actually attend.
